Like everything in US America this rant is bigger – and lacking substance. This wild diatribe will flounder around making wild accusations based on limited experience, it will not reach a conclusion, it will NOT apologise for this, because THIS IS AMERICA! DAMN it!
DISCLAMER: If you are wondering whether it is worth reading all this... you are so not bored enough so just skip it now, there are some nice pictures of the grand canyon further down. But i had time at the airports and on planes so...
I want to hate America! (and in a sense I do and will continue to in the face of any and all evidence to the contrary) but Americans make hating America surprisingly hard. TV makes it easy (especially FOX ‘news’) but it’s not as easy to find pretentious, rude, arrogant, racist, bigots as TV would have you believe.
So What is Wrong with America!? This may take a while... top 5 reasons why i hate America!
No 5. Everybody wants to get in your pants, before you get excited I mean that metaphorically. I mean they try to screw you - still not making myself clear. Example, you see an item in a shop it says 2.99 great you think and pull out 3 dollars.. No it’s 2.99 + 8% tax + 2%service fee = $3.30 at a restaurant it’s even worse +15-20% tip at car rental places it’s +service fees +airport fees +tolls +petrol (that’s right you buy the petrol that’s in the car regardless of how much you will use or the remaining amount when you return it). Everything is out to screw you, and like a sleazy miami disco lounge lizard they will tell you anything you want to hear, they will make all the right moves, smile tell you how smart you are for picking that, just to get their hands into your pants and TAKE YOUR MONEY. So wait staff are really friendly but they just want a tip. It seems like the whole country, from the government to the grocer, will do what it takes to get what they want, instant gratification. There is seemingly no room in the US American phycie for a hit now for a reward later. They do understand that a bit of upset over something like roadsighns, metric system, or healthcare, can save them a huge headache down the road – for someone who works in risk mitigation this is like the 1980 (the bad old days). So my Question is “Where is the LOVE y’all, where is the love?” Do you still remember what that is? You know something more than sex and instant gratification? Ring a bell? But i guess that’s not a good business model – honesty. Much easier to draw people in and then wack them with extra fees, hell everyone else is. Treat them like idiots and eventually you have idiots. When i did see some staff genuinely taking an interest and looking after me I found myself thinking, damn your good at pretending to care.
No 4. US America,
The triumph of Individual liberty over Collective liberty. No healthcare, no care in general. For example basic car insurance doesn’t cover damage from unregistered drivers, you almost can’t buy unlocked phones, you certainly can’t buy non low-fat yogurt. Why? Because someone can make more money this way. The US of A is a land controlled by corporations. The government is, if not impotent, bound and shackled by an outdated constitution and system of precedents. It’s no wonder that they want to play world police because they aren’t allowed to play in their own backyard. The supreme court facade features the tortoise of the judicial system which will beat the hare of crime, slowly but steadily... last time i looked that did not happen in real life. It also seems inconsitant with US American mentality i quote a new movie tagline “slow justice is no justice at all”. Meanwhile in this facade justice has only a sword, divine inspiration holds the scales and truth stares idly at a mirror while nobody talks to old man wisdom. They may as well have used Arnnie dispensing justice with a mini-machine gun as their supreme court model.
Speaking of symbolism take the ‘Tea Party’ (not the band, but a cool sounding US American anarchistic anti-socialist group that seeks to reduce the government’s power) Their flag is a serpent with a “Don’t Tread on me” message on it. The only reference I can fathom is that of the virgin Mary stomping on the serpent (representing the devil). Are they advocating satanic worship, offering the apple of lower taxes, in return for banishment from the utopian paradise. In a supposedly Christian dominate electoral i did not think that would be popular, but it seems i am wrong.
No 3. Pro-corporation anti-consumer attitude. Let me paint you a picture – me standing in front of a row of fridges 6 shelves wide and 8 shelves long filled with yogurt. Well, at least they all have the label yogurt printed on them. Most of them are Fat free (that’s not bloody yogurt) and the rest are low fat, or original (which is 99% fat free). As i’m not feeling well i wanted something with say Lactobacillus acidophilus or similar... the best i can find is one little tub of yogurt with Bifudys regularis some strange USA lab strain of bifidus but even that was low or 0 fat options... where is market choice? Milk is similarly huge range of crap with no milk from cows - i settled on Ultra-pasteurised vitamin enhanced milk, that frankly was a bit bland. It’s a similar story with phones and TV shows. My theory is that they had a focus group somewhere that said they can maximise profit if they only make XYZ product. But this does not take into account rule 1 below, and if they did offer me what i want they would have a monopoly market and could make tones.
Big corporations control not just what you buy but also what you see in the media to a large extent. This means you don’t have to put up with news channels that report things that you don’t agree with you can simply pick your viewpoint then hear people endlessly agree with you and tell you how people who don’t agree with you are idiots. Of course you can skip the first part like many US Americans who now quote the comedy channel as their most trusted news source. They spoon feed you what you want then sell it to you (push [or as we call it American!] marketing).
No2. Almost the worst thing about US America is it’s
hypocrisy especially parading as patriotism. All those precious freedom and liberties are removed once that person is not a US citicen. You can’t take a random American off the street and fingerprint them but they are happy to do so to ALL tourists. You can’t drink milk with fat in it but you can wolf down 12 of fried chicken pieces and a bucket of fries. You can’t detain an US Citisen without charge but if we put the base on foreign soil and detain foreigners that’s fine. You must have separation of state and church, but you should make Christian religion compulsory in schools and law and public places. It the way they assume that ‘the American way’ (eg month-day-year) is ALWAYS the right way to do something, and the rest of the world has it wrong without any sort of logic or reason or argument as to why one way might be better whatsoever, it’s more American = it’s better. The rest of the world uses the red circle as speed limits we know better. No one who is not American born can work for NASA, because lets face it NASA was built on good old american knowhow, by good old americans like Dr. Wernher Von Braun(NASA director and Designer of the Saturn V rocket, former SS officer and member of the Nazi Party).
You will see flags flying at public buildings, people’s houses, at schools, churches, fire trucks, tourist attractions, rallies you name it they flag it. And I’m not talking a discrete flag say 30cm or less than a meter i mean obnoxiously large flags dominating skylines. These flags are used to represent everything from pro-goverment to anti-govemernt (pro-constitution) from honouring ‘heroes’ and to promote redneck agendas. The only consistent message it (a) “I love America!” and (b) that person is as outlined below. I always associate the number of flags seen with how radicalised a country is (Lots in Israel, Jordan vs. Australia (moderate) vs. modern Germany where flying a German flag outside of world cup times is basically frowned upon).
No 1 reason i hate America! is.... (drum roll)
...Idiots!Ok Every country has idiots, but dear god America has some pearlers. I mean they even SOUND like such total raving lunatics e.g. I’m not a witch but I’m pro masturbation lady (should i say senator?) being a prime example, but there are plenty of ordinary examples as seen in the news or reality TV shows. I would say more on this but it has been covered to death by comedians the world over here is one by Dylan Moran
“ and like everyone was like totally dead ” The march for fear! At first i thought this was an intelligent repartee along the lines of Milton’s “Where no hope is left, is left no fear” then I realised that your average American has probably never hear of Milton and just thought fear is ‘cool’ just like the department of homeland security who’s slogan surely is “fuck ‘em there not American!”. The rally to restore sanity was an attempt to call out to the moderate mass that mass media forgot. That means it didn’t get coverage on FOX and snide remarks galore on CNN and so 200,000+ people generally got forgotten again.
TV Polls (PBS) say if it comes down to a vote today between obama and palin it would be 54% - 46% in favour of obama (thank god) So where the hell are these 46% of people who would vote for her? Because i certainly never met one, i am starting to think they are actors and it's all a goverment cover up to push though idiotic legislation and hell it's not like anyone is going to go to central US America to find out. If these people are really so against the American government as they claim then why the F*#k don’t they secede from USA (at least California and the east coast) or maybe just kick them out to Palin’s Alaska where they can terrorize the Russians and Canadians. They could make a world asylum for idiots, it would be popular with tourists I’m sure, and i can nominate some Australian for instant citizenship.
So where do the idiots come from? It’s my opinion that true idiots are not born they are created. And there is no better machine to make them than America! (exclamation marks are compulsory when talking about America! as the USA) How? You start with showing them how everyone is
only looking out for themselves and so they need to look after themselves first too. (excellent piece of circular logic) .
Cater for idiots – give them menial jobs like toilet attendant or telling people (and other idiots) where to go because a sign would be hard to think of and require people to read which is like totally effort man.
Use the media to reinforce strange leaps of logic such as Socialism = Evil, healthcare =socialist, therefore Obama=socialist=Hitler. I remember a cabinet minister in Germany got the sack for saying bush was using “a classic tactic, it’s one Hitler used” - but Americans get to run around and hold up placards claiming Obama is Hitler, a communist, a Islamic radical, and soft on the hard issues AND THIS IS NEWSWORTHY. Remember the pastor who wanted to burn a Koran on a church lawn? Why advertise freaks?? Freedom of idiotism i think it’s called, and it sells papers.
Never let people think they know all the facts - missing taxes and fees and tips, fine print, selective news, all a good start. This makes them feel smart for not stepping on the obvious land mine and instead stepping on the one you can’t see. Also make up
new meanings for established words or symbols e.g. a sign that say 3/$5.00 means the price is not (3/5) $0.6 but (5/3) $ 1.66 if you buy 3. Units ok so they want to use imperial fine (not really) but let’s take a quantity we can relate to “a pint” a US pint is 20 US fluid ounces or 475ml a imperial Pint is 18 imperial fluid ounces or 560ml. Of course if there is an internationally accepted word for what your using feel free to make up a new one eg Aluminium (discovered and named in 1808) was changed to aluminum in the USAmerica in 1926 to avoid any unnecessary clarity. This means if the idiot in question attempts to get information from an outside source they will be instantly confused disappointed and frustrated.
Avoid any kind of a standard or common system - Obfuscation is the key eg road signs they are 'un-American' and these people just want you to do things their way, which must be crap because you didn’t think of it. Instead invent a new way of doing things that won’t work with competitors (think BetaMax, think sony, think apple - you will lose in the long run) and if in doubt call this new way an international standard (don’t worry no one in the USA will check/care if it is used outside the US or not).
How do i put this America!? Pride comes before the fall, and America! I see allot of pride.
That’s America! But again despite all this, despite media, corporations, governments, anarchists , idiots and more – There are HEAPS (most i met) of really nice, smart, friendly Americans. Thanks to all of you, keep fighting the good fight!! There are also some good things about America. I like being able to buy alcohol at a grocery store and pay a reasonable amount, i like the street numbering that make navigation so easy especially when combined with the excellent metro systems (though the roads themselves suck majorly), I like the variety and price of fast food places (if not the food itself), I like the online nature of America e.g. nearly all restaurants having menus online, and plenty of little things too. But on the whole I’m glad I don’t live there.
What will not be captured is the hard slog up Dead woman’s pass, day 2 included more than 1km vertical climb to reach the summit and even in the foggy view it gave a real sense of achievement (as well as sore legs and little breath). Also uncaptured is the awesome group we had, Thanks Everybody!
