Sandiago de Chile

Sandiago,
A city with so much to see. From museums and art, to parks and people, architecture and public planning, Santiago has an incredible mix. Throw in good food, especially seafood, and good drinks, like german style beer and Chilean wine, and you have a place that i can spend a few good days in. While there I met up with Jess from my old work. It always great to see people from back home and some local perspective (seeing how real people live) is part of the joys of travelling.

Aguas Caliente
A stop off on the way to sandiago was a little hotspring town outside of orsrno that features beautiful walks through forests and mountains of the lakes district and of course hot springs. Shown in the picture the swimming pool is at quite hot and a river next to it that is freezing for $5 you can indulge in both.

A Dozen travel tips, learned the hard way

A few tips for the world weary expert and the egger beginning alike:

1. Be Prepared – a motto for more than scouts and condoms. Sun Tzu once said something about a journey of a thousand li and and some carts and stuff, it all sounded very profound so he put it in a book called “the Art of War” and sold millions of copies. What he was prattling on about was the importance of PROVISIONS. Whether you are setting off on a walk, invading a foreign country, hanging around an airport, or just staying in for the night, with a little forethought it can be a big success. Buy up when you’re in big (cheep) towns. Yes ok there is the problem of weight (makes you strong) but just 1kg of bred some apples maybe an avocado or a tomato or two and a bottle of water can save you from starvation, extortion, and boredom – and has done all 3 for me many a time. Alcohol is possibly the most important provision! A small (half to two) litre cask or a bottle shoved in the bottom of your pack is a great way to find entertainment where there might be none. It has 3 great uses: 1 – it staves of cold, boredom, and fatigue as it helps you sleep even around snorers 2 – It’s a great way to meet friends and be social, There’s a big fat line between sitting around a table doing nothing and drinking together, if you like the company offer them something 3 – it can be Ridiculously cheaper than buying something in whatever backwater you’re in. As my old drill sergeant would say “Always remember the 6 Ps: Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performances” At least i feel he would say this if i had one... and probably add “if not at least have some grog at hand”
2. Always carry toilet paper! You would be surprised how many places won’t have it. Reasons include cost, religion (clearly god hates clean bottoms, that’s why he created babies), hygiene (apparently), to plumbing all combine to mean that western luxuries like toilet paper are a self-catering necessity. Even toilets where you pay up to 80c to get in will have toilet paper only at the door, and you have to take an ‘appropriate’ amount with you to the stall. A mistake only made once.
3. Always carry around some spare cash when heading outside of big cities, Local currency, US dollars and Euros are good too. You only have to be stuck in one out of the way town with a broken ATM wondering if you should eat, go to the observatory, or sleep on a matress to realise this is very good idea.
4. Drink Local, Act Global. There’s nothing wrong with being a tourist, and sometimes it’s useful. Local drinks and local dishes are an important part of travelling, and so is having a good time. There is a cost, and generally this is EITHER financial (top notch touristy places) or health and wellbeing related (dodgy street food, seedy pubs), but both are worth it, fine food and “cultural” experiences are their own reward. Sometimes this can get you into some trouble but a few sufficiently badly pronounced phrases (fake it if in an English speaking country), and a sincere apology is usually all that is required for anything like a free bus rides, being sick, being lost, insulting someone’s mother, or just about any other ‘accident’ you can think of. Don’t be afraid to experiment, but be prepared for the risks.
5. If you see a map of the city and you don’t have one take a photo of it! Even if you don’t think you need it, you can always delete it later. You can always look at it later on playback, and it is amazing how often this will come in handy later.
6. The eReader is my friend. You can, often unexpectedly, spend hours waiting for things like buses, friends, queuing in line, or just for the waiter. Having a good book to read is great, having 80 good books including the lonely planet, maps, and multi-lingual dictionaries is AWESOME! At 165g i would recommend it to anyone, anywhere, always. (it is also a good conversation starter at bars)
7. WiFi for All. There is wifi everywhere and having a computer or phone that can access this is a great idea. Often you have to pay a good deal of money for slow connections on PCs in a dingy room when a laptop would find a wifi in just about any main square, cafe, or hostel. HOWEVER, think carefully about how much a laptop weighs, 3.5kg may not sound like a lot in the store but it is a monster of a thing to be carting around with one hand everywhere add another kg for the adaptor and a few charging cables and you realise what your carrying. Also battery life of 100min is not a lot when most movies are 125-135min. To people setting out i would suggest a EeePC or similar light weight and up and 11 hours of battery they are very handy when travelling – but get good insurance because unlike my brick they are popular with the undesirables too.
8. The extra few dollars for nice overnight busses (5-10 bucks) are SSSOOO worth it because you can sleep on the bus saving you not only accommodation costs but a day wasted on buses or lying in the hostel recovering from busses.
9. Lemons – they are good. An upset stomach or a loss of appetite can be really annoying as it can sap energy and leave you feeling apathetic. Drugs will generally target the symptoms and so you will ‘crash out’ later. A simple dish of Civiche, or some lemon in hot water, even tea, can be all you need to pick you up. Luckily south america has them in plentiful supply.
10. Buy credit cards in the USA. Lots of things want you to use creditcards in the USA, from hotels to vending machines to petrol stations to WiFi hotspots... don’t feel like paying the $5 fee (for a $2 drink) from OZ credit cards? Simple, buy a credit card at the supermarket. Preloaded with 50 bucks you too can be a cash free plastic fantastic American. Also good for when you want to make discreet purchases... not that sort of purchase boys, i was thinking motels where you want to run off with the towels... not that I would, you understand.
11. Airports are a great place to hang out, watch a movie, or even sleep. Why get a taxi at 2am when you can have wifi and semi comfortable benches to sleep on till morning and then get a bus and check into your hotel, saves you a nights accommodation, the taxi fare, and you get be one of the cool people on the benches. With snow/rain outside, everybody is doing it these days.
12. Don’t write travel tips -they just tell people how many ways you have fucked up on your travels. No one will take your advice cos it’s all fairly common sense stuff that you have heard yourself. Until you actually make the mistake it doesn’t sound so bad... you know if it’s not happening to you, if YOU don’t go hungry. Tips are always stuff like, keep track of your belongings, Double check dates on your booking BEFORE you hit that confirm button, which we all know is a good idea but woops.

Christmas in a Cold climate

Christmas Eve started much like any other day, overcast with spattering of rain on my hostel window. My carefully laid plans of rising early to go walking in the park were dashed a sudden inflammation of my Icantbefuckedacitice. This cleared up about lunchtime though the weather did not. I headed out to Parque Nacional Chiloé
Where I met and instantly fell for 4 lovely Québécois, we walked through what I
would swear are Tasmanian forests to a wide expansive beach. Being 42 degrees south the vegetation was amazingly similar to home. To fight the Chill, and fortify our spirits, we consumed a Christmas bottle of Pisco sour on the wild windswept beach before the return journey to Castro. Along the way i got free French lessons, realising i had forgotten all the French i ever knew - and was not coming back in a hurry. Here, on a terrace overlooking the bay at dusk, we settled into a feast platter of cheese crackers and the forbidden fruit, along with a bottle or two of the local wine. Finding a restaurant proved more difficult but we finally found a place where we could sample the seas bounty. I had a large dish of shellfish, meat, potato and salmon. Parting company we returned home at 2am full of Christmas merriment.
Here i discover that my hostel has a curfew at 1am, and had now bared the doors and would not open to me even after extensive knocking... Calling on my inner cat burglar, i vaulted a barbed gate, sailed through the unlocked window and, by light of my camera, snuck my way back to my room. As cosmic proof that i should not take up a life of crime i was then confronted my an angry looking, bare breasted, Chilean man wielding a six-shooter like John Wayne incarnate - and i don’t know if he was the good the bad or the ugly. (I mean he had a RUGER?? What is this 1920’s?) After a heated exchange, involving his incessant shouts asking if I was ‘loco’ and me in my bad Spanish (and accidently a few French words - cos they felt right) giving him a piece of my mind for locking me out without warning, we each retreated to our rooms untill mañana. Sufficiently ruffled by the encounter i did not immediately sleep - i got up late, to an unsatisfactory breakfast (prepared, very slowly, by John Wayne himself), i left and met up with the lovely Canadians girls and headed for some penguins up north on Christmas day.

All in all an Unforgettable Christmas.

Valpo and vina del mar

Valparaiso, Chile. Has lots of murals/graffiti and arty feel about it but in a really pov, unpretentious, kind of way. Most are on derelict or half abandoned buildings, some in slummy regions or dark alleys, the paint is flaking, cracked and worn, or freshly painted over. There was a hostel “the house of adventure” which form the outside looks like it has seen better days with worn and striping paintwork, there were sheets hanging out some windows and traces of eggs thrown from balconies, urine in the streets, and an atmosphere somewhere between a college/dorm and a brothel... needless to say I was instantly tempted to stay there but i had already paid for a nice place in vina del mar. There are also some beaches, cabelcars, historic buildings and other attractions but i think the rough but warm, like a city of sin for tourists, feel of the place is what drives visitors to this place.

Island Time

I’m not sure i quite have the concept of the ‘laid back’ Easter Islands down pat. Arrived at 1pm, checked in by 2pm mountain biking up the tallest hill to ancient ruins by 3pm, awesome downhill though gum trees and home by 6pm. Cup of tea, few bites to eat, out to town, sunset over the bay with a bunch of moai (head statues). Next day 40km of biking across a wide range of terrain (mostly flat, pavement dirt and tracks) to see all the statues, houses and beaches. Which would defiantly have been better if my bike had 2 pedals... one fell off halfway through but i eventually found a way to ride that involved kind of pushing the pedal in with one foot and cycling with the other in an awkward gait that would make a chronic stroke victim look coordinated. Still great little island.

But then again I’m not sure that the locals get the island pace either (... mum, don’t google “Easter island riots” everyone here is happy and all is well). My excuse is i did spend a few days in pisco valley soaking up the uhm atmosphere in this fruit and grape growing region, then bus and plane and lots of idleness. I am looking forward to civilisation again so i think a few days in Valparaiso is just what the doctor ordered.

Got Salt?

A 4 day jeep safari across southern Bolivia turned up amazing salt flats (140km long and deep enough to cut bricks out of – that they make houses out of!), flamingo rich lagoons and geysers, as well as awesome lava flows that where perfect for climbing. Luxuries are understandably limited in this terrain, and 7+driver in a jeep is always uhm cosy, especially for 6-10 hours a day. But here were some nice hot springs and some cool sights that i think speak for themselves.

Word to the wise: Don’t buy bolivian salt! After having personally stood on driven over and licked (not in that order) the salt that will then be dried crushed and packaged to be sold... On the up note there are signs telling you not to pee on it so maybe you’ll be OK... maybe.
Also navigativg a train through the salt flats using the Einstien field equasion is not recomended as this derilict train will prove.

Cheap Thrills

Hanging around the street markets and dodgy vendors you find you can get just about anything for a good price. In Cusco I picked up a Hat ($3) some sunnies ($2) and a alpaca wool jumper ($8) after feasting on Quail eggs (5 for $0.30) and a half litre of fresh juice made to order ($1.20). This is due largely to the poverty of these counties where even doctors, lawyers and teachers are forced to drive taxis to survive. Take the town of Juiinetta with a population of 250,000 there are more than 20,000 tricycles (bike taxies) in juiinetta and the principal industry is smuggling... some to Bolivia (e.g. alpaca knickknack for Petrol) some of it within peru. This is a problem as crime doesn’t pay, at least not taxes – the result is dirt roads, poor schools, and no infrastructure. I don’t know if my tourist dollars help, hinder, or don’t affect things but i’d like to think i’m putting some cash into their economy. This may all be over as in Chille i am paying about 2-3 times more for most stuff brining it much closer to prices back home... but there are still some to be had.

The wide variety of experiences too is not to be underestimated. In Lima it was death for breakfast (catacombs), virgin sacrifice for lunch(temple,) jumping off cliffs in the afternoon (paragliding), and more drinks than you can point a stick at in the evening (hostel bar!). And that’s just one day. Others included Breakfast with hourses (riding them not eating them) followd by off road for lunch (and getting boged) eating sand for dinner thanks to my impressive sandboarding skills, and watching the sun set over some of the worlds strangest landscapes. Of course there are also days of sitting on a bus and days of lying in a hammock, hiding from the world watching movies, or catching up with new friends, or just planning where to go and what to see – And these are generally my blogging days. Chillaxing!

Of course this sort of easy lifestyle comes with its fair share of setbacks. More that the occasional 14 hour bus ride on a seat that doesn’t recline that well, with a fat man snoring behind you. Hostel interruptions and other forms of sleep deprivations. I have gone through 3 hats now for reasons ranging from forgetting on a bus, to using it as a emergency containment vessel when the alch...altitude got to me on a bumpy curvy road bus. I’ve been burnt bitten and stabbed by various insects plants animals and unidentified assailants. And had to put up with the most profane toilets that would make Rammstein go pale and hold each other for support. I write this now from a hostel where the crackling thunderstorms occasionally cut the power and let alarms join the tumultuous night sounds.

The Culture too can be hard to comprehend and we too quick to judge sometimes. For Example the other day I saw some people at a cemetery/church/temple/thing setting fire to stuff – walls, rocks, incense, the baby Jesus. At first i thought you can’t go and set Jesus on fire!? But then I thought compared to eating his body and drinking his blood, it’s probably the nicest thing to do. And anyhow how can you not support setting things on fire for no apparent reason. The mix of Inca and tribal traditions with Christianity is still an uneasy one.
But all that is what makes travelling fun, the unexpected.

Yi-pi-ki-yay, MoFo!

So today I discovered the real wild west. The place Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid were gunned down, a land of steep canyons, cacti, fast horses, a hot sun in a clear blue sky, and the sort of eerie stillness you expect at the ok-corral just before midday. Turns out that the real America is in Sothern Bolivia.

I stumbled off the overnight train and arrived tiered confused and utterly unable to form a coherent Spanish sentence at my hostel/booking agent. There i met my twin saviours, speaking flawless (from my point of view anyway) Spanish they had just negotiated a 5 hr horse ride with guide, and invited me along. At Bolivian 10:00am (11 something) our own little Sundance kid guided our posse though the impressive formations, gullies and ravines of tupiza.


The special riding hat turned out , unsurprisingly, to be a cowboy style ‘sombrero’. My horse, let’s call him black thunder (because ross was boring name for a horse), was lively but obedient (mostly) stallion who loved to lead and loved to canter, easily outpacing the kid’s mare. So yeah, Turns out cilantro means walk not cantor, woops!

See you cowboys....

La Paz, descent into madness.

La Paz the market rich capital of Bolivia. Here you can buy everything from hats, socks, dried lama foetuses, plumbing supplies, great juices and salads, knitting supplies, electrical and more.

I happened to be there for a colourful street festival, a kind of combination all saints day and black (negro – read indigenous) pride festival. What they lacked in musical or dance skills they made up for with loud flamboyant costumes and the occasional fireworks explosion.


I went on a downhill mountain bike ride down the north yungas road, across nearly 70km and down nearly 3.5km vertically. It features some breathtaking views and some killer drops. Riding through waterfalls and along precipitous roadways the gravel route is an easy but enjoyable ride through Bolivian highland and jungle. It ends with a quick dip and lunch before returning to LaPaz via the same road (on a fast mini-bus). You also get a free tee-shirt, a free cut to the face (should have watched those branches) and the right to say “I survived death road”.

Copa, Copacabana - Lake Titicaca

After a few nice days on lake titikaca catching rediculessly slow moter boats I hoped accross the boder to Copacabana, a charming little village on the boarder of Bolivia peru. Here i stoped for several hours to drink jucies, eat lunch hike up to a little mountain cemitary and sail on a sailboat... for 10 bucks I initially thought that I was renting it for myself. However (luckily for me) it came with ‘El Capitán’. Sailing involved about 15-20 min of rowing, due to my obvious muscular physic, i was doing at least half. Grasping the splintering hulks of wood in my powerful clutches and with my demi-godlike muscles flexing beneath my taught shirt, I rowed with much sound and fury - and sadly little actual forward momentum. Once we got to more open water we attached the rudder and sail. Impressed with my creative steering and cores plotting skills, I finally attempted to tack. Unable to clearly establish my intentions and then heroically cocking up the turn by getting the mainsheet (or is that an outhall) caught on the ore and having the boom flap uselessly in the fallow breeze ‘El Capitán’ helped out with a few strokes of the ores and then attaching the boom back where it belongs. So impressed was he at my nautical skills that promptly promoted me to head bilger which i excelled at. With ‘El Capitán’ at the helm i attempted to make some small talk amongst two salty sea dogs as we were. This too did not go as planned – possibly because i don’t know my pico from my.... uhm actually that’s the only Spanish word i learnt and i’m not sure if it’s sail, boom, gaff, rig, or sheet. The explanations ‘El Capitán’ gave were short involved nodding generally limited to ‘Si’ and at one point followed by something that sounded an awful lot like ‘You’re not paying me enough for this shit’. At this point i should take a moment to describe the boat to a sailor i would say it’s a small squaresail (gaff rig) like a couta... however unlike the beautiful king-billy pine example that some of my families sometimes sail up the Tamar, this one has ores made of rough round timber with two unequal sized planks nailed on; the boom floats freely (no goseneck) till you tie it (a twine downhall?) to one side of the center bunkseat, which then occasionally needs to be banged in again with an ore; The bilge pump consisted of a cut open coke bottle; The sheet is tied on to a rusty hook not fed though a non-slip thingy or a figure of 8 thingy (yep run out of nautical terms); There is no centre board, and the rudder will lean in at a 45 degrees angle when trying to steer. All of this seemed as natural as raindrops on kittens to ‘El Capitán’ but it was ‘Muí diferente’ from where i was sitting. ‘El Capitán’ guided the boat back to the pier where i leapt off and moored our boat and payed the good captain upon which he looked for the first time impressed :)

A Fun day and one of my best bussing days so far.

On the Trail of the Incas

Amazing Vistas, high mountains, good food, great people and Shit toilets. That’s the short version. For my humble attempt to capture the awe and intrigue that was the Inca Trail, watch this video:



What will not be captured is the hard slog up Dead woman’s pass, day 2 included more than 1km vertical climb to reach the summit and even in the foggy view it gave a real sense of achievement (as well as sore legs and little breath). Also uncaptured is the awesome group we had, Thanks Everybody!

How many inca ruins have I seen? I don’t know, lots. The overriding message is that we really don’t know what these people did, other than farm store food and occasionally sacrifice virgins. The largest and most impressive is of course MatchuPitcu. Large buildings, temples and farms cover this hillside city, abandoned before the Spaniards had a chance to destroy it.

Peruvian Adventures Part 2: Rivers, Ravines, Roads , Riots, and Relaxation

A quick splash down the tranquil class III rapids on the ‘Ria Colca’ is a nice way to start my Arequipan adventure. This region is known for its trekking, mountaineering, and outdoor sports.

Most famous is, the deepest canyon in the world, the Canyon de Colca, which must surely be Spanish for “why the F*#$ is the canyon floor no closer”. 3-4 hours of walking at about 30 degree incline on a rough rocky path to reach the bottom a few more hours exploring the
place and then sleeping in an oasis with swimming pool, very nice. Only problem is now i am sore, sunburnt and not-at all ready to start my inca-trail to matchu pitchu.

To get there a range of buses will take you at some ungodly hour of the morning in the freezing cold for 3 hours of road and 2 hours of bumpy dirt road to see some condors and start walking. From there you ask farmers where the hell the trail went and in our case where is san Juan de choo-choo. In order to get the trail we tried to follow an epically inaccurate map and ended up walking through paddocks and along aqueducts through cliff faces and along precipitance landscape – not the Gringo route.

The other day I was relaxing on the main square when riot police escorted in about 500 protesters. These were armed with bits of wood and metal poles which they were banging together and shouting something Spanish. They do have frequent strikes, and no one seemed very interested, this one as far as i could tell it was that mice and/or vampires should not be allowed to negotiate building contracts... my Spanish may need some work.

Peruvian Adventures Part 1: Sky, Sea and Sand

Paragliding – Everything flying should be!!! Imagine a dream – one where you can effortlessly step off a cliff top (say over a Peruvian beach at sunset - though it’s your dream) and float effortlessly up on eddies of warm soft air, holding and supporting you where you want, letting you reach out and touch the palm tree canopy with your feet , wafting higher past sky scraper roof tops, effortlessly gliding with a flock of seagulls and then feeling the soft breeze through your hands descending in a new direction. Now realise you are 100% awake and this experience cost you 50 bucks. Possibly the most fun you can have in 10 minutes with all your clothes on, and it’s legal. Seriously thinking of getting into the game... maybe when i settle down :)

Other highlights so far include visiting the Isle of Ball... which is known as a kind of poor man’s Galapagos. The islands are home to thousands of birds lots of cormorants, pelicans, seagulls and boobies, as well as some sea lions. Much as I like seeing boobies and birds of a feather, one generally tries to avoid the associated white sticky mess. These Islands are composed almost entirely of guano. Ok that’s not true, but they are literally covered in shit. As there are no building materials around they literally build their nests out of guano, and thus shit in the nest. Once every few years people go to the islands armed with shovels and spend months poop-skooping as guano is a major export of peru.


On a more pleasant note i have spent the last two days at a desert oasis tearing up sand dunes on my board and with the dune buggy. Lots of fun followed by lots of lazing around and talking to people. I never realised that Peru had deserts but after driving Hour after hour after hour on buses (with reclining seats and WiFi) I found out it had deserts aplenty. This one is the world’s driest and is used my NASA to test life detection equipment among other things. While Yes buses are notoriously dangerous as far as crashes / hijacking / and so forth - they are the only way to get around and on the imperial (10x the price of the chicken transports locals sometimes use) you can at least do it with the luxury and relative safety of modern technology (eg. seatbelts and winscreens made of glass), Wifi, and a Peruvian vegemite and cheese sandwich.

South American introduction

Ever had the feeling that mornings wouldn’t be so bad if they just weren’t so early in the day? come to Peru shops do not open until 10am with many popular places not opening till midday – breakfast is served till 1pm and generally it is a slow relaxed pace of life well into the evening. I actually find it hard to walk as slow as the locals, think granny pace, then slow down, then halve it. Nothing happens in a hurry (except the traffic) but that’s ok cos everyone has time. Things are cheap and the locals are friendly. My mix of verry bad spanish and equally wild gesturing is holding up for now. Somehow you breath in a sense of relaxed openness (together with few kilos of carbon monoxide and soot), and you can smell that unique mix of progress and effluent that marks developing countries. All in all I think I will like it here.

Leaving USA the plain had electrical problems that delayed us 1 hour, upon landing in Lima (Peru) The plane lost ALL power and sat there in the dark. BTW that strip light will illuminate the way to the exit?... It’s a Lie. As I flew into hectic Peru at midnight I thought I best get the airport pickup offered by the hostel as it would be safer than the horror story taxis that mug you or crash. This friendly local sped downhill at about 120km/hr on a 60 street and wove though complex traffic at 80 in a 45 zone. All the while he smiled and occasionally talked on his phone, but we got there safe sound and fast.

I have seen my first ancient ruins (Lima pyramid for the sea god) and will probably see some more soon. I have to navigate the maze of private bus shuttles as there is no public bus system. I also need to figure out where I want to go on the way to cusco.

The Big Rant!

Like everything in US America this rant is bigger – and lacking substance. This wild diatribe will flounder around making wild accusations based on limited experience, it will not reach a conclusion, it will NOT apologise for this, because THIS IS AMERICA! DAMN it!

DISCLAMER: If you are wondering whether it is worth reading all this... you are so not bored enough so just skip it now, there are some nice pictures of the grand canyon further down. But i had time at the airports and on planes so...

I want to hate America! (and in a sense I do and will continue to in the face of any and all evidence to the contrary) but Americans make hating America surprisingly hard. TV makes it easy (especially FOX ‘news’) but it’s not as easy to find pretentious, rude, arrogant, racist, bigots as TV would have you believe.
So What is Wrong with America!? This may take a while... top 5 reasons why i hate America!

No 5. Everybody wants to get in your pants, before you get excited I mean that metaphorically. I mean they try to screw you - still not making myself clear. Example, you see an item in a shop it says 2.99 great you think and pull out 3 dollars.. No it’s 2.99 + 8% tax + 2%service fee = $3.30 at a restaurant it’s even worse +15-20% tip at car rental places it’s +service fees +airport fees +tolls +petrol (that’s right you buy the petrol that’s in the car regardless of how much you will use or the remaining amount when you return it). Everything is out to screw you, and like a sleazy miami disco lounge lizard they will tell you anything you want to hear, they will make all the right moves, smile tell you how smart you are for picking that, just to get their hands into your pants and TAKE YOUR MONEY. So wait staff are really friendly but they just want a tip. It seems like the whole country, from the government to the grocer, will do what it takes to get what they want, instant gratification. There is seemingly no room in the US American phycie for a hit now for a reward later. They do understand that a bit of upset over something like roadsighns, metric system, or healthcare, can save them a huge headache down the road – for someone who works in risk mitigation this is like the 1980 (the bad old days). So my Question is “Where is the LOVE y’all, where is the love?” Do you still remember what that is? You know something more than sex and instant gratification? Ring a bell? But i guess that’s not a good business model – honesty. Much easier to draw people in and then wack them with extra fees, hell everyone else is. Treat them like idiots and eventually you have idiots. When i did see some staff genuinely taking an interest and looking after me I found myself thinking, damn your good at pretending to care.

No 4. US America, The triumph of Individual liberty over Collective liberty. No healthcare, no care in general. For example basic car insurance doesn’t cover damage from unregistered drivers, you almost can’t buy unlocked phones, you certainly can’t buy non low-fat yogurt. Why? Because someone can make more money this way. The US of A is a land controlled by corporations. The government is, if not impotent, bound and shackled by an outdated constitution and system of precedents. It’s no wonder that they want to play world police because they aren’t allowed to play in their own backyard. The supreme court facade features the tortoise of the judicial system which will beat the hare of crime, slowly but steadily... last time i looked that did not happen in real life. It also seems inconsitant with US American mentality i quote a new movie tagline “slow justice is no justice at all”. Meanwhile in this facade justice has only a sword, divine inspiration holds the scales and truth stares idly at a mirror while nobody talks to old man wisdom. They may as well have used Arnnie dispensing justice with a mini-machine gun as their supreme court model.

Speaking of symbolism take the ‘Tea Party’ (not the band, but a cool sounding US American anarchistic anti-socialist group that seeks to reduce the government’s power) Their flag is a serpent with a “Don’t Tread on me” message on it. The only reference I can fathom is that of the virgin Mary stomping on the serpent (representing the devil). Are they advocating satanic worship, offering the apple of lower taxes, in return for banishment from the utopian paradise. In a supposedly Christian dominate electoral i did not think that would be popular, but it seems i am wrong.

No 3. Pro-corporation anti-consumer attitude. Let me paint you a picture – me standing in front of a row of fridges 6 shelves wide and 8 shelves long filled with yogurt. Well, at least they all have the label yogurt printed on them. Most of them are Fat free (that’s not bloody yogurt) and the rest are low fat, or original (which is 99% fat free). As i’m not feeling well i wanted something with say Lactobacillus acidophilus or similar... the best i can find is one little tub of yogurt with Bifudys regularis some strange USA lab strain of bifidus but even that was low or 0 fat options... where is market choice? Milk is similarly huge range of crap with no milk from cows - i settled on Ultra-pasteurised vitamin enhanced milk, that frankly was a bit bland. It’s a similar story with phones and TV shows. My theory is that they had a focus group somewhere that said they can maximise profit if they only make XYZ product. But this does not take into account rule 1 below, and if they did offer me what i want they would have a monopoly market and could make tones.

Big corporations control not just what you buy but also what you see in the media to a large extent. This means you don’t have to put up with news channels that report things that you don’t agree with you can simply pick your viewpoint then hear people endlessly agree with you and tell you how people who don’t agree with you are idiots. Of course you can skip the first part like many US Americans who now quote the comedy channel as their most trusted news source. They spoon feed you what you want then sell it to you (push [or as we call it American!] marketing).

No2. Almost the worst thing about US America is it’s hypocrisy especially parading as patriotism. All those precious freedom and liberties are removed once that person is not a US citicen. You can’t take a random American off the street and fingerprint them but they are happy to do so to ALL tourists. You can’t drink milk with fat in it but you can wolf down 12 of fried chicken pieces and a bucket of fries. You can’t detain an US Citisen without charge but if we put the base on foreign soil and detain foreigners that’s fine. You must have separation of state and church, but you should make Christian religion compulsory in schools and law and public places. It the way they assume that ‘the American way’ (eg month-day-year) is ALWAYS the right way to do something, and the rest of the world has it wrong without any sort of logic or reason or argument as to why one way might be better whatsoever, it’s more American = it’s better. The rest of the world uses the red circle as speed limits we know better. No one who is not American born can work for NASA, because lets face it NASA was built on good old american knowhow, by good old americans like Dr. Wernher Von Braun(NASA director and Designer of the Saturn V rocket, former SS officer and member of the Nazi Party).


You will see flags flying at public buildings, people’s houses, at schools, churches, fire trucks, tourist attractions, rallies you name it they flag it. And I’m not talking a discrete flag say 30cm or less than a meter i mean obnoxiously large flags dominating skylines. These flags are used to represent everything from pro-goverment to anti-govemernt (pro-constitution) from honouring ‘heroes’ and to promote redneck agendas. The only consistent message it (a) “I love America!” and (b) that person is as outlined below. I always associate the number of flags seen with how radicalised a country is (Lots in Israel, Jordan vs. Australia (moderate) vs. modern Germany where flying a German flag outside of world cup times is basically frowned upon).

No 1 reason i hate America! is.... (drum roll) ...Idiots!Ok Every country has idiots, but dear god America has some pearlers. I mean they even SOUND like such total raving lunatics e.g. I’m not a witch but I’m pro masturbation lady (should i say senator?) being a prime example, but there are plenty of ordinary examples as seen in the news or reality TV shows. I would say more on this but it has been covered to death by comedians the world over here is one by Dylan Moran “ and like everyone was like totally dead ”

The march for fear! At first i thought this was an intelligent repartee along the lines of Milton’s “Where no hope is left, is left no fear” then I realised that your average American has probably never hear of Milton and just thought fear is ‘cool’ just like the department of homeland security who’s slogan surely is “fuck ‘em there not American!”. The rally to restore sanity was an attempt to call out to the moderate mass that mass media forgot. That means it didn’t get coverage on FOX and snide remarks galore on CNN and so 200,000+ people generally got forgotten again.

TV Polls (PBS) say if it comes down to a vote today between obama and palin it would be 54% - 46% in favour of obama (thank god) So where the hell are these 46% of people who would vote for her? Because i certainly never met one, i am starting to think they are actors and it's all a goverment cover up to push though idiotic legislation and hell it's not like anyone is going to go to central US America to find out. If these people are really so against the American government as they claim then why the F*#k don’t they secede from USA (at least California and the east coast) or maybe just kick them out to Palin’s Alaska where they can terrorize the Russians and Canadians. They could make a world asylum for idiots, it would be popular with tourists I’m sure, and i can nominate some Australian for instant citizenship.

So where do the idiots come from? It’s my opinion that true idiots are not born they are created. And there is no better machine to make them than America! (exclamation marks are compulsory when talking about America! as the USA) How? You start with showing them how everyone is only looking out for themselves and so they need to look after themselves first too. (excellent piece of circular logic) . Cater for idiots – give them menial jobs like toilet attendant or telling people (and other idiots) where to go because a sign would be hard to think of and require people to read which is like totally effort man. Use the media to reinforce strange leaps of logic such as Socialism = Evil, healthcare =socialist, therefore Obama=socialist=Hitler. I remember a cabinet minister in Germany got the sack for saying bush was using “a classic tactic, it’s one Hitler used” - but Americans get to run around and hold up placards claiming Obama is Hitler, a communist, a Islamic radical, and soft on the hard issues AND THIS IS NEWSWORTHY. Remember the pastor who wanted to burn a Koran on a church lawn? Why advertise freaks?? Freedom of idiotism i think it’s called, and it sells papers. Never let people think they know all the facts - missing taxes and fees and tips, fine print, selective news, all a good start. This makes them feel smart for not stepping on the obvious land mine and instead stepping on the one you can’t see. Also make up new meanings for established words or symbols e.g. a sign that say 3/$5.00 means the price is not (3/5) $0.6 but (5/3) $ 1.66 if you buy 3. Units ok so they want to use imperial fine (not really) but let’s take a quantity we can relate to “a pint” a US pint is 20 US fluid ounces or 475ml a imperial Pint is 18 imperial fluid ounces or 560ml. Of course if there is an internationally accepted word for what your using feel free to make up a new one eg Aluminium (discovered and named in 1808) was changed to aluminum in the USAmerica in 1926 to avoid any unnecessary clarity. This means if the idiot in question attempts to get information from an outside source they will be instantly confused disappointed and frustrated. Avoid any kind of a standard or common system - Obfuscation is the key eg road signs they are 'un-American' and these people just want you to do things their way, which must be crap because you didn’t think of it. Instead invent a new way of doing things that won’t work with competitors (think BetaMax, think sony, think apple - you will lose in the long run) and if in doubt call this new way an international standard (don’t worry no one in the USA will check/care if it is used outside the US or not).

How do i put this America!? Pride comes before the fall, and America! I see allot of pride.

That’s America! But again despite all this, despite media, corporations, governments, anarchists , idiots and more – There are HEAPS (most i met) of really nice, smart, friendly Americans. Thanks to all of you, keep fighting the good fight!!

There are also some good things about America. I like being able to buy alcohol at a grocery store and pay a reasonable amount, i like the street numbering that make navigation so easy especially when combined with the excellent metro systems (though the roads themselves suck majorly), I like the variety and price of fast food places (if not the food itself), I like the online nature of America e.g. nearly all restaurants having menus online, and plenty of little things too. But on the whole I’m glad I don’t live there.

Winters in Miami

Sex, drugs, and rock and roll – all things i did not find in Miami. Instead pretentious but kinda cool clubs. They have novelties like beds on the beach for the inhibited or lucky (both?) patrons to relax as they sip down overpriced drinks, others have Victorian pornography in a burlesque style club. Also lots of Hummer limousines (yes i took one) and other ridicules sized cars.


Florida Keys, a long drive down from Miami are the famous Florida keys, including Key Largo and Key west the Sothern most point in the continental united states. Relaxing on the beach is not a bad way to while away an afternoon.

Washington (Capital)

I have to give a big shout out to all the people that i’ve met there I had lots of fun seeing you guys and your strange-strange country. I saw some great museums and art galleries and other public works. Note: Picture of capitol with canadian flags and unseen black canadian death squirils









I was also fortunate to be there during Halloween, a festival where guys dress up as something scary or funny and girls as something sexy. This really plays to the strength of both sexes. Forget the witches and zombies stuff that’s for 6 year olds, grownups are all sci-fi and nurses, tigers and cowboys. Good times.

Arizona – Sunburnt Splendour

The Grand Canyon... no matter how many pictures you have seen it’s still very impressive. And you can’t physically stop yourself from taking pictures of it.. ohhh there’s a rock ohhh and a stick and ohhh the canyon and ohhh look a cactus ohhh another rock... you get the idea. This one is up there with the great wall in the list of overly touristy things that are worth doing. Sunset at the canyon is definitely recommended.

Driving across America, and particularly Arizona, we saw a little of small town USA, complete with dodgy motels/dines. They are an experience in themselves.

As we moved south the Cacti became more plentiful and bigger. Once we arrived at the little cabin of Jim and Chris, my sister’s godfather, we were greeted by a sumptuous feast of rear Mexican food. Followed by fireside stories and smores. What the hell is a smore? Is it an endangered spices? and should you be eating them? Says any non-American. Americans will tell you Yum, No, Yes and also explain that it is a ‘gram crakker’ (no relation to the weight of 1g) chocolate and a marshmallow. The concoction is toasted so that the marshmallow is gooie and melts the chocolate... not bad. Even better when enjoyed in this picturesque setting with good company.