The Bombay Experience

Have you ever had a headache because of one too many bottles of Bombay Sapphire? I have one now, and I worked hard to get it.

You may have noticed, one quite night, that a bottle of bombay sapphire looks square and brick like yet can cast a dazzling play of light. It's soft blue light shimmers as it refracts though the glorious alcoholic substance known as Gin. Even when empty, the bottle may continue to delight.

I recently came into possession of a number of such bottles from a good friend who is moving away and can no longer care for his hard eared collection of bottles. After spending years patiently draining bottles of bombay, he had used said bottles to built himself a attractive round structure which cast a pleasant blue light though the back yard on summer evenings. Being an ambitious man, I had grander plans. I dreamed of great towering structures capable of awing and humbling the viewer.

Scoffing the advice so recently dispensed  at work - that boys should not be left unsupervised - I, being left unsupervised for the weekend, set out to be productive and build my monstrosity.
Now, the building code is strangely silent on the topic of required structural integrity and engineering standards of bottles of Bombay. It turns out this may not be so strange after all - it's silence speaks volumes.

It may have escaped your notice but no two bottles of Bombay sapphire are exactly the same. Or rather, no two of the bottles in my collection are, nor will they sit on top of each other. Subtle differences in the shape and curve of the bottles mean that while a bottle of Bombay sapphire may look somewhat brick shaped, when it comes to building materials bricks win out every time.

But of course this problem has already been overcome by the marvellous product called blue tack. For the few of you who may not be familiar with blue tack (because you have lived your whole life in a cave in the Gobi desert for example) It is the sticky equivalent of gaffer tape in that it can hold any two objects together as long as you use enough of it. It is also discreet and blue (unlike gaffer tape).

So I set to work, at first a simple three bottle overlay pattern and then a more complex streaming out to two bottles which come together in an arch and crossed over. The blue tack was being amassing - as usual - and solved the structural problems instantly. So much so, in fact, that I sometimes had trouble removing a carelessly placed bottle. Of course I started running a bit low on blue tack toward the top half, but that's ok as blue tack still works well if you use a bit less.

So there it rose, a grandiose twined double helix twisting skyward with the sort of profound dignity presidents aspire to. I was so pleased with myself, I thought I would send a photo to the poor man who had to empty so many bottles to make my dream a reality.

I was just getting my phone out when an unforeseeable event occurred. A gust of wind! I now know exactly how the guys who designed Fukushima Daiichi felt - Uhm, we did factor in for waves right? Yep, I remember we built this little wall and everything. You don't think that maybe... ohh oh.

I heard an ominous creak  and with a startled look of terror I gazed at the movement of the top row of bottles... but but I used blue tack my frenzied mind was saying, it will hold, won't it?? It has to, it was quite a lot of blue tack. Slowly I shifted from deer in the headlights to a deer trying to save the president from assassination... "NOOOOooooooo.....!"  I screamed silently as I dived uselessly for the structure. Reaching it mid way up, I tried ineffectually to arrest the fall. I watched the bottles lean and then cascade in a sapphire shower down upon me. I tried wildly to stop them with my only free appendage - my head! As bottles clattered off my head, and then to the crashing sounds of heavy blue rain hitting the ground, I realised my folly.

So there I sat amidst the broken blue chaos, murmuring softly and inanely "A hard rain's a-gonna fall".  I gazed about at the  shards of glass laying around me. Beautiful and dangerous. Well, looks like I made art again! (based on my longstanding view that anything which was created but has no functional purpose must be art)

I artist, I. And have I not suffered for my art? Do these shards of sapphire not say something profound about the frailty of man. Or if not man,  at least of bottles of Bombay sapphire. Yes, I have done art today and I am somewhat proud, but mostly just sore.

 

Now if you will excuse me I have some cleaning to do...